I'm The Nazi

huh.

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 16:03:36 GMT

Maybe i am taking it out on dr. stevens? I have to make her earn her right to be a doctor, she made me look like a damn fool, now she is my intern again. But I can't push her away if i want to ensure that my value doesnt get compromised. Since the M&M i've been looked upon as if am no longer credible in my career. It doesnt help that even those who I consider my friends, like Dr. Burke, would not allow me to scrub in on a once in a lifetime surgeries. Or does Dr. Yang have anything to do with that?

This is drama! I don't like drama, especially when the drama involves me. I dont want to be in a scandal. There are people out there getting divorced, interns getting naked for their bosses, panties being left up on bulletin boards, adultress men and women, the cheif hired Sloan who adds more drama! And yet, the sane normal person, me, gets into all sorts of hell because she had a baby and her horemones are all crazy! She gets shit for something she didnt do, like control madly inlove Dr. Stevens.

And...Cheif Webber believes he has issues. "oh, i'm down to my last clean shirt and its missing a button." well, unfog my Cartier lenses.

What am i supposed to do?

Work is getting better.

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 20:36:41 GMT

I no longer feel like I have to please that damn doctor who decided to ridicule me in front of my colleagues. I believe that I can be a great doctor even if I show sympathy. I should care about my patients. It is my interns with who I need to be strict, but then again i need to be there for them when they need me. I could've prevented dr. steven's actions had i been willing to pay attention to her...but that is all I can say about that.

I am a good person. I am a good doctor. I am a good mentor. Enough said.

really who knows what i'll be doing next?

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 00:41:58 GMT

My hormone levels arent supposed to be spoken off in public, and especially not to be used against me. Is there such a crime that I have a normal life? Doctors aren't allowed to have a real life or emotions? What in the hell made us passionate enough to put up with years of hell in med school and as damn interns?!? We're not allowed to have a kid because then we're labeled as soft. I admit i've made my mistakes, but who hasn't? I would like to know if that arrogant so called surgeon has never made a mistake. I've tried sorting this out and I've done my best to put it behind me, but its just too much for people to let go of that easily.
Even if we had to keep pointing the finger at me for losing control of my interns, or for becoming too involved with my patients, he doesn't need to go talking about my horemone levels. Yes i know it's natural, but that sounds like a freaking sexist remark, and i won't stand for it. Besides, that's a personal issue. And he is talking about commanding respect from my interns yet he does nothing to help; instead he believes that it is alright for him to ridicule me in a personal level infront of - not only my interns - but my fellow colleagues? It's ridiculous. Nobody does that to me. To have me feeling like i'm doing something wrong simply because i'm human.

I know that i need to take charge with my interns but i also have to have compassion so that my patients respect me. I can have the respect of every damn surgeon at Seatle Grace, but i'm not there for them, i'm there for my patients.

Interesting developments

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 11:13:51 GMT

I went soft. I absolutely went soft. I shouldn't have been soft. I have been walking around with a sense of guilt because I am partly responsible for Denny's death. I should've been there to guide my interns and make sure that none of that ever happened. I have put Dr. Stevens and Chief Webber in a horrible position. I can't stand knowing that the people that I'm in charge of are the ones that look at me like I'm the bad person. I have taken steps to solve this problem. I have convinced Dr. Stevens to return and I have asked Chief Weber to consider her coming back. I have done my part, I believe Dr. Stevens never went in. I don't know if she's ready for it, but I have done my part to fix it. I don't want to hear anything about it anymore. I just want to put this episode behind us.

This hospital is becoming nothing but drama, and I know I'm going to have to have take control of my interns before they drive me insane or they get into trouble. There is a reason why I'm a resident and not a puny little intern. I have worked to get where I'm at and this group of interns wont be the one to jeapordize my career. I'll have my nazi title back in no time.

omg sorry

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 22:38:32 GMT

dudes i've been paris since the beginning of the season so i have been not been able to catch on, however i now have a laptop with me and i get to download the episodes as soon as i am all caught up i will jump back in. sorry for taking forever. so are we totally ignoring what was said during the off season?

B

This can't happen to me.

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 19:37:11 GMT

I can't believe that his is happening to me. I think my husband is cheating on me. I came home early from work and heard him in the bedroom talking on the phone. I haven't heard him speak into the phone so ecstatic before, so I figured it was kind of weird. I picked up the receiver in the kitchen and heard the voice of a woman. She was laughing and I quickly hung up. I didn't care whether they were setting up a meeting, or laughing about their affair, perhaps they were making fun of me. I don't know what I was supposed to do. In my entire life, i have never felt so stupid.

I mean, look at me. I'm his son's mother! But i guess that's all I have become; i'm just his baby's momma, and no longer his wife/lover. I didn't see this shit coming.

Things are complicated now. I can't just up and leave him. What about William? If we didn't have a son together, I would've thrown his shit out and have him leave my life. But now, it would be so hard to separate since our son is in the picture now. But, hell, what am i supposed to do? Sit around and let it happen? Or am i supposed to let him know i know so that we can talk about our situation?

I need to go.

I need a better work out plan

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 21:39:03 GMT

Well it ain't no surprise to find that it is hard to lose the extra pounds you gain when one was pregnant. Hell. I have been trying to lose this weight, and although I watch what I eat I know it's not enough. But tell me how the heck am i supposed to find time to work out when I'm in the hospital a lot, and then come home and take care of my son. It's not cute. I'm trying to get myself back into shape, not that I was in the greatest shape of my life...i was smaller in highschool. But I've made my peace with that. I haven't made my peace with this weight, because I don't like it. My husband tells me I look fine, but I don't want to hear none of that. I see the way he be looking at them other women, making me feel like an alien from another planet holding his son.

Maybe I could talk to Mark Sloan about getting some work done? Wouldn't that be a trip?! Well. I guess I better get back to my load of laundry.

Work is alright, by the way.

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 18:51:49 GMT

I am going shopping today. That should be interesting; since William was born, I haven't gone anywhere near the mall. I'm not a fan either, but you know, the pregnancy put on a couple pounds, so I need clothes that will hide that. I will lose those few pounds though. I know I can.

I think we should move to a new home. This apartment is nice, but I need a place where little william can run around and have fun. Maybe we'll move to a city outside seatle, so there will be quite a commute to work, but I figure my son deserves that. Besides, it's no fun carrying a baby stroller of the steps to get to my apartment. Hell, it aint fun asking my husband to help me with that. So...i guess that means we won't be looking for a two story house, just a little house with a backyard. That'll be enough. I mean it's only three of us, how much room can we need. I know for sure that I ain't about to have another one anytime soon. It just ain't going to happen.

Well I'm off.

i'm not depressed

Tue, 30 May 2006 03:27:47 GMT

My life seems to be fairly simple. I don't have anything to complain about, at least for the time being. The only thing on my mind is finding a pediatrician for my son. I can't help but read colleage's journals or see how the function in the hospital to know that they have some sort of issue that they are trying to resolve. It also makes me feel like people can't come to me on a personal level because I seem isolated from all the different dramas playing around me. I don't know what to do to get involved. Maybe I shouldn't get involved, who wants to be involved in some twisted drama? I didn't like being in the whole drama with my husband being in the ER while I'm about to give birth. that was hell, and I sure dont want to go through anything like that again. So why the hell am i complaining? I guess its the social factor, everyone has something to talk about while all i have to say something along the lines of william spitting up. That's as exciting as it gets. Oh well, I'm just speaking nonsense.

Day off.

Fri, 26 May 2006 19:13:28 GMT

I got the day off from the hospital today. It couldn't have come at a better time because there has been too much going on in that hospital. It's crazy. They should make a show out of all the crazy things that go on there. Who would watch, though?
Anyways, I'm going on a lovely picnic with my family. That should be nice.

Anyone know of a very good pediatrician? I didn't like Dr. Singh, William's former pediatrician. Maybe it's because I'm in the medical field as well and because William came out of my area, that makes it nearly impossible for any other doctor to measure up to my expectations, so if anyone knows of a good one, please let me know ASAP.

Well, I gotta get william ready to go. He's so happy today.

After prom.

Mon, 22 May 2006 19:59:09 GMT

I still can't believe Dr. Stevens said she quit. I really hope that she was only speaking due to the pain she was feeling. I really don't like admitting this, but I hate to see interns go. Some people seem to go into this profession because of the money. I ain't going to complain, shoot, I love the money. But I am in this for more than money. I like being able to help others. It may seem hard to believe; the Nazi has feelings. Well I do. I'm a human..and now I'm a mother which allows for more feelings to come into play.
Nowadays everybody seems to get into this profession because of the money, the prestigious career that many go into debt for,and only a few can pay for. However, I believe med school weeds some of them out. I mean, it is really trying the training they do. It's crazy as hell trying to remember everything and recall it on the spot. But it gets worse when you are applying this outside of the book, and into an actual human being. Some can't stomache it, and those whose heart isn't in it have no other choice but to quit. Still there are those who have a love for money and decide that the horror is worth it. But then there are interns like Izzie who have a heart and feel for the patient. Some see it as a bad attribute, and maybe it is, but it is, in a way, refreshing to see that all of us doctors aren't robots who have no heart/soul and feel no emotions. It is actually...touching.

I believe Preston is recovering pretty well. I haven't heard anything on the end result of his hand. I hope it's nothing that will do away with his career. He finished first in his class and is a great asset to Seatle Grace, but it's not his practicallity that I want him around. He's an amazing person. Like Dr. Shepard, I admire him. I really do.

Well. I must go and get to bed. I need some rest. Nobody better dare wake me up. William better not wake me either, his daddy better make sure of that and I ain't playing.

what a week.

Wed, 17 May 2006 19:59:32 GMT

Well, I've been seen a lot of action, but I never thought that i would see one of my own friends shot. Whatever happened to the guy that shot him?

I was really irritated by the way Izzie was prancing around Deny like some puppy running 'round their owner. Yet, when it came to an end and Denny died and she confessed to having had jeopardized the integrity of Seatle Grace Hospital, I was shocked and I couldn't help but feel sorry. I didn't feel sorry for her as a person, but her situation was thought provoking...it actually fit pretty well with everything else going around in the hospital.

The past events showed me that we are all humans before surgeons. We'll think and act like humans. Those suck ups are supposed to be learning instead of teaching me about the human reaction to their surroundings. I'm human too, right? So i should know what those instints are but am I too professional to let them interfere with my personal life? I don't know, after all I was...am...i dont know...I am known as the nazi but that's for their own good. Interns need to know that there is a line between personal and professional life. Life is more than hook ups and ...proms, for that matter. Burke and Christina are a good example, from what I see, they're professional while in the hospital and they both are able to function without having the other around.
hmm. But I guess there's a problem in that. It was odd to see Christina elsewhere instead of her being by Burke. I don't know whether it was personal issues or if she really didn't want to cross the line between personal and profession. I don't think it did helped Burke in his state, and I didn't like to see him like that.

So when is it okay to cross the line? And where the hell do I stand?

"On Top of my game" he said.

Tue, 02 May 2006 22:02:43 GMT

I looked at the board again and my name was no where on it. I wonder if the nurses scheduling the surgeries know that I'm back from my maternity leave...or that I do indeed still work at the hospital. Dr. Weber claims I may not be on top of my game. I thought it was all in my head, but Dr. Burke believes the Cheif is "mommy tracking" me.
Does anybody know how annoying it is to go from being called the Nazi to the person who O'Malley delivers a heart touching and, above all, convincing speech, to the lady in scrubs watching the rest of the hospital staff do something worth while? People wonder why I've become grouchy. Try being prevented from doing what you do best, which you do for a living, and only to go home to change diapers. Now I love William and hold nothing against him, but my job is that of a surgeon, and while I'm at the hospital I wish to be treated as a surgeon and not be given a break because I probably haven't had enough hours of sleep, it's a damn hospital, how many people working there have slept decent hours?
I've become like an intern. What sucks is that I get sucked into all the drama, like the Izzie and Deny thing...what does she think she is doing? And who do they think they're fooling telling me she doesn't care for him?
see? this is the level I stoop to because I am not given any surgeries. If Weber doesnt have me posted on that board, I will be irritated, i don't think anyone wants to see me truly irritated.

I'm feeling better

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 01:36:54 GMT

I think that things are finally looking better for me. I am finally settling down with the motherhood thing. I believe it was just the whole post partum issue that had me complaining and feeling sorry for myself. It's over. I'm done with that and I'm moving on. I'm looking forward to the new chapter in my life.
Things have been going slow around here. Nothing too crazy going on; I'm okay with that because at times I can't handle crazy. I rather have peace and quiet even little William is giving me a chance to sleep through most of the night. But my husband is being the father I told him to be; the type that helps with the diapers and the bathing. I'm so proud of my family. I never thought I'd see this day. Being a mother as well as a surgeon isn't so bad.

I am tired.

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 19:13:13 GMT

Yet another week of watching surgeries pass me by. I get less play than the darn interns. It is not fair. I don't know why I can't get anything. I think the chief is out to get me. Oh listen to me aren't I just pathetic?
Motherhood does make me moody. I just want to cry but have no reason to. It is extremely exhausting to look after william. I can manage it but my breast are aching like crazy. I know that is probably an overshare but after all, we are all mature...well we're all grown and in the medical profession.

I am too tired to keep complaining, so I'm going to take a nap...if William will allow if of course.

I'm not soft, its just estrogen.

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 03:35:04 GMT

I returned into the OR today only because I played the role of an intern. I was there with Dr. Sheperd who was removing a brain tumor. I was so shocked to see that the patient was a 13 year old kid. I felt different while I was in there, I really didn't know that I'd act that way. It was different, I guess it has to do with the fact that I have enough estrogen to build an army of women.

I hope I get back into the game, because I need to operate again. I am more than just a mother, I have a family to provide for and a career that is supposed to help with that. I can't afford to sit in the sidelines for much longer because it is annoying. The interns are seeing more action that I am, isn't that pathetic?

I should go now. I should hang out by that board and see if I can get into more surgeries.

I'm exhausted as heck.

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 05:21:45 GMT

I've been at work and most of the time I'm worrying about how lil William is doing. I worry about him, now I know I'm supposed to be paying attention in what I'm doing, but this maternal experience is new to me. I remember how Dr. Yang kept wondering how I was going to cope with this, I thought it would be simpler than this, but it's hard. Maybe I could bring my son into work with me...I can have O'Malley help me with him. I know a hospital is no place for a baby, but what am I supposed to do? Quit? I have come a long way, and I would hate to throw in the towel. Seatle Grace needs me; have you seen the interns running around in there?
I am starting to feel that people think i'm growing soft, I used to inspire uneasiness, if not fear, in the interns, but now they give me this look like I'm dressed as a fairy or something. I guess I just have to be a bit more aggressive, get into my Nazi ways damn it.
I need to give little William a bath...hopefully that will get him to sleep, because I know I sure need the sleep.

See ya when I see ya.

I never thanked them

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 23:09:01 GMT

My dear son, William George Bailey Jones, is keeping me busy. And I thought the interns were hard enough to handle. I must say, though, that I am glad that I have my son and husband with me.
I remember I came close to losing my son before he was even born, and my husband wasn't there to help through this hard time. I remembered I called him up and said he'd better be somewhere out there dead...what was the irony in that. I'm glad that's over with.
I am so glad that Addie and George were there. I don't think I ever thanked them for it. But that O'Malley in particular...what a guy. I gave thanks enough by having Georged added to my son's name, and then I helped Addie with her va-jay-jay problem. So I think we're even.
That was funny though, the Addison problem. But I guess it was good for something...I wonder if her and derek are going to fix whatever problems they have, because sometimes I still wonder if Derek has something for Meredith. I'm rooting for Addison, I sure as hell wouldn't like no woman to take my husband away...but then again I wouldn't cheat on him.
Well, little William needs feeding, and there aint no way my husband can handle that, if you know what i mean.

Ta-ta.